Forgiveness

“To err is human, to forgive is divine!” how often we have heard of that phrase and used it to excuse ourselves from not forgiving.  After all we are just human isn’t it, so how can we muster up such divine God qualities and forgive? Furthermore, we are the injured party, they wronged us, they put us down, they hurt us. How can we forgive and forget?

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting

Obviously, we cannot forget the event that was painful, or the person who wronged us or the cutting hurtful words or physical blows. We remember, sometimes in excruciating painful detail.  Forgiveness isn’t about wiping out the memory, having amnesia for the event or pretending it didn’t happen.

Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the pain associated with that original event. When the memory surfaces, forgiveness is about telling yourself, that was then, this is now, I can choose to release the pain, the hurt, the embarrassment, the shame. When we hang on to the pain it’s like we are taking a knife and stabbing ourselves again and yet again. The tragedy is we fool ourselves into thinking that we are hurting the other person by doing this, but we are only hurting ourselves.

Forgiveness is more for us

It’s for our release, our freedom, our peace of mind.  It’s not really for the person who wronged us.  Often, we say, “How can I forgive, when he/she hasn’t even said sorry”. We think forgiveness is dependent on how remorseful they are feeling or how effectively they apologize, or how willing they are to make amends.  The reality is that sometimes the other person may not even know they have hurt us, sometimes the person who has hurt us is dead and gone. So, forgiveness isn’t about us magnanimously doling out mercy to our offenders. It’s about choosing to forgive whether they apologize or not.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation

Quite often forgiveness could result in reconciliation, repairing relationships and learning to live together harmoniously. But this is not always the case and not always recommended. This is especially so if there is ongoing exploitation or abuse, or even the threat of such.  Although it is still important to forgive for past offenses, it is just as pertinent to protect oneself from current harm by keeping safe boundaries.

Forgiveness can be learnt and practiced

We tend to think of forgiveness as a personality trait.  “That person is really forgiving,” we say, in the same way we would describe someone as being an extrovert or introvert.  But having a forgiving stance is not something we are born with, it’s not part of our personality.

Forgiveness is a behavioral habit that we can intentionally learn and practice. Each time we remember the offender instead of having hateful or revengeful thoughts, we can choose to intentionally let go of the pain and change our ‘grievance story.’ This is a term coined by Psychologist Fred Luskin.  According to this concept if we repeatedly tell others about a past injustice or hurt it solidifies into a grievance story and we develop a victim mindset. We can get out of the loop by reframing our narrative, focus on what we learnt from the experience, how we survived, how we developed strength of character.  As we do this, we will find that we are able to let go of our ‘right to hurt and pain,’ and can instead develop compassion, kindness and forgiveness.

If we are able to make this paradigm shift and think of forgiveness as a behavior that we can learn and practice it will soon develop into a habit and we will be more at peace with ourselves and our world.