I Only need you! Really??

“I don't need a parachute. Baby, if I've got you. Baby, if I've got you. I don't need a parachute. You're gonna catch me. You're gonna catch me if I fall. Down n down ….” The song by Cheryl Cole has us shaking our heads in disbelief. Only a fool would attempt to sky dive without a parachute. Ok, so it’s meant metaphorically, but even then, it’s totally unrealistic. After all, is it possible for just one person be your all in all, rescue you every time you feel unsafe, make you always feel secure and meet your every emotional need.

Yet so often we hear people say, if only I could find someone who loved me then I would feel complete and whole. If only my partner would give me more attention, then, I would feel more worthwhile. If only I had someone in my life I wouldn’t be so bored and unhappy. He/she will heal all the broken places in my life and fill in all those missing pieces. We look to one person to satisfy more needs than any one individual can possibly meet.

Dr Dennis Sugrue (clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan) says that expecting a partner to fill all our basic emotional needs is not only unfair but also unreasonable. He says people who believe in themselves and have a sense of control over their emotions and lives are secure. He says that looking for someone else to make you feel complete is not the way forward as these needs cannot be met by someone else. To put those demands on someone else is to set yourself and the relationship up for failure.

This unrealistic expectation is probably one of the major reasons for disappointment, anger, frustration and breakdown of romantic relationships. So before jumping into a relationship or running from one partner to another to fill that empty void in your life, be courageous and do the hard work of taking responsibility for your own emotional needs. This would mean learning how to love yourself first, warts and all. Acknowledge your strengths, gifts and talents and celebrate them joyfully. Learn to be honest and humble about your weaknesses and accept your limitations.

Take time to create and savour joyful and fun moments. Choose to live life fully and to make your own life happier and more fulfilled. Generously give and receive love with all the people you already have in your life right now and connect with family and friends on a deeper level.

Today, we expect a lot more intimacy and support from our partners than in the past, but much less from everyone else. This is a real pity. Because when we make romantic love our only source of commitment and emotional security, we neglect the wider interpersonal ties that knit society together. This impoverishes us and puts a huge strain on the partner and the relationship. Stephanie Coontz, (family historian) says, the happiest couples are those who have interests, confidants and support networks extending beyond the twosome.

Interestingly you will find that as you become more secure in yourself people will be attracted to you, as you will no longer come across as needy, clingy and desperate. The secure person does not have to look outside himself/herself for completion. This doesn’t mean a secure person is self-sufficient. Secure people still need others for companionship, intimacy & fun but they don’t depend on just one person to feel complete and whole. They know the value of community and make efforts to stay connected to family and friends, even while being in a romantic relationship.

A secure person knows how to love and be loved, has a sense of belonging and can see purpose in life, believes in himself/herself, and has a sense of control over his/her own life. It is only from this space of security and wholeness that you will be able to fully enjoy and participate in the give and take of a mature fulfilled relationship.